Modified from the article "Becoming a championship Tennis Parent" by Chuck Kriese.
Nobody ever teaches parents how to do their job. They are beginners at every new challenge they face, so naturally they cannot be expected to be “great volleyball parents” right away. Mistakes will be made, some small ones and some whoppers.
In the end, the key to a young player’s career is not what the parents do, but what the player does for himself or herself with desire, work ethic, attitude, confidence and skill.
It always puzzles me to see parents take the attitude that they and their child are a joint entity, completely dependent on each other for performance. Many even use the word, “we,” to describe every move their child make with his or her volleyball game. We can only imagine the negative pressure this puts on the youngster.
On the other hand, I have seen parents who have never watched their child play a match, nor gone to their practices. This is also wrong. The youngster needs and wants parental support. The key is finding the proper level of support without suffocating them.
Parents often tell me they have heard so many horror stories about the “pushy sports parent” that they did not want to fall into that trap. The other extreme of not showing interest may even be worse. The first parent at least shows care and effort.
Parents are never going to do the perfect job with their children. But there are guidelines that might help when those protective parental emotions become engaged while watching their child in competition.
As the old saying goes, the two most wonderful gifts that we can give our children are roots and wings. While this pertains to their overall lives, it also holds true for volleyball parenting. Volleyball is one of the finest vehicles for growth in which a youngster can participate because it parallels life and the many trials of character that are bound to occur. The athlete feels great elation after a win and great disappointment after a loss.
Typically, parents don’t quite know how to react to these emotions. Their immediate reaction usually is to try to protect the child from the pain and to join them in their elation. These patterns usually continue throughout the child’s athletic career and can have a strong effect on the athlete’s performance.
It is best for the child to be taught early that the game they play is separate from their person and, although trying to perform well is very important, the results are not the measure of their worth. That’s easy to say, but hard to learn early in one’s volleyball career. The attitude should be to take what you do very seriously, but not to take ourselves too seriously. This balance is difficult for both child and parent.
The challenge is to teach young players to give 100 per cent effort to all that they do, then be able to handle the win or loss in a positive manner for growth. Winning should be a chance for confidence; losing an chance for growth. Few young people can do this naturally without being taught.
Just as it is a mistake to overemphasize the importance of winning, it might be worse for the youngster to under emphasize trying to win. Therein lies the conflict. If you care, you’re probably going to hurt if you lose. That’s where the teaching and learning takes place.
The copout phrase for kids in the modern era of competition seems to be “just go out and have fun.” Unfortunately, the child who blows off the pressure to perform misses out on one of the greatest learning opportunities he or she could ever have in the early developmental stages. This attitude also endorses the notion that a bad habit is OK and that performance does not matter. It then becomes convenient for the child to bail out when faced with a difficult challenge.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” might quickly become, “If at first I don’t succeed, I’ll try something easier.” The primary objective of any of the activities in which youngsters participate is, “Do your best … give it 100 per cent … and try to win.” And when it’s over, be a gracious winner or give the opponent all due respect if you lose. But above all, to thine own self be true … and try your best every time you take the court (even in practice).
The purpose of a child’s participation in sports is to enhance growth. The emotions of the young athlete should be part of that growth process, along with body and mind.
Nothing delays the maturing process of a young athlete or is more obnoxious to see, than the parent who runs interference for the child every time he or she has a problem, or who constantly tells the coach or teacher what to do. It has only been in the last few years that I have seen parenting go to such great extremes that their youngsters always get a “fair shake.” There is a big difference between a parent showing concern for their child’s curriculum and the parent who interferes.
Most coaches and teachers want a parent to show interest, but at the same time are annoyed by a parent who butts-in to tell them how to do their job. Even worse is the parent who keeps their child from assuming responsibility for actions and behavior.
Disappointments are just as much a part of sports as good times. Setbacks are bound to occur, whether it be a tough loss or the young athlete’s ability to achieve a goal. Learning how to take the good with the bad in sports is perhaps the greatest lesson in participation.
Under no circumstances should a parent or coach rob the athlete of this learning opportunity by diminishing the importance of the hurt. The same goes for not interfering if a youngster has problems dealing with a coach.
An English teacher at a high school recently told me a mother angrily stormed into his office and said, “What’s wrong with your teachers in this school? My daughter can’t get along with any of them!” As humorous as this statement is, it is critical that parents learn early on that the youngster’s only way to grow is to fight his or her own battles, to learn to open his or her own shell.
Learning dependability and accountability are two outstanding byproducts of playing sports if the child is allowed to handle his or her own problems. I have many responses to interfering parents, the most common being, “You either trust my judgment as a coach or you need to go to another school. Your interference will only get in the way of your child’s growth.” Unfortunately, even at the college level, I’ve had many parents who simply could not let their child fend for himself or herself.
One of the most improved players I’ve ever coached was a boy named Chris. As a freshman, Chris was number 13 on the team. He ended his career as our number 1 singles and doubles player and then won our Conference Championship. He then went on the pro tour.
I thanked his parents after his career was over for trusting me and never interfering even though their son went through rough times. The father simply said, “The boy is supposed to have one coach, and it sure isn’t me.” I really believe Chris improved so fast partly because his parents never got in the way even though they supported every step of his growth.
Here are eight rules to remember after a child wins or losses:
1. Your support should be steady and based upon your child’s attitude and effort. It should not fluctuate according to wins and losses.
2. Be genuinely supportive and positive before the child’s competition because this is the time of most doubt.
3. Be supportive of a job well done for the small things as well as the big ones.
4. Do not reward wins with big meals, gifts, money or other offerings. They teach the child that winning deserves special treatment.
5. If you are emotional about your youngster’s loss, give yourself a mandatory 30-minute “cool down” period before you do any critiquing of the match.
6. Children are sometimes trained to be fake happy or sad to please their parents. The way you as a parent feel is not necessarily the way your child feels. It is important to give them time to deal with their feelings in their own way.
7. Let the athlete enjoy wins and hurt over losses, but keep a balance. A good workout after a loss helps to ease the pain as well as to learn in the process. Then the L-FIDO law goes into effect: LEARN-FORGET IT, DRIVE ON!
8. The only time a parent needs to step in is when behavior from wins or losses becomes excessive. The youngster cannot always control feelings, but he or she must learn to control behavior. We need to take what we do seriously, but never take ourselves too seriously.
Finally, it is very important that parents remember that each child has a unique timetable for success. It is not a race to see who can do something the fastest; the young athlete should never be compared to another youngster’s growth timetable.
The body, mind and emotions of your child develop in their own natural and perfect progression. Some will take place quickly and others more slowly, but always uniquely. Again, the barometer should always be the child’s attitude, work habits and personal growth of character.